A Little Lost, A Lot Found

When I’m in twentysomethings 

2021 

A year full of tragedy, loss and pain.

A year that I met the most broken version of me. 

Each journey to realize my own emotion that I resist to feel was portrayed in this art series. I try to be as honest as possible with myself. Expressing myself through colors and each stroke. I realise that I be completely honest with myself when I hold the brush and start to paint whatever my mind telling me to paint. During the process, it felt like I was communicating with my inner self, consoling a parts in me that was in pain because I have repressed her for too long. I could feel the sadness, tears, rage, and when I convey those feelings through canvas, there were a sense of serenity in me, a relief, like a huge burden has lifted. And I knew that I have comforted every emotions that I restrained for a long time. 

Painting and music works like a bridge for me to reach myself, and it helps me a lot. Maybe because our bodies are speaking to us in voiceless symbols. Maybe if we can learn to interpret what they are saying, we can heal ourselves in an entirely new way. We all have that ability to connect. Whether through music, art, poetry or just listening to other. There are million little ways for our hearts to speak to each other. For me, I want to turn my feelings into a narrative that I can hear in color. 

My dad, who encourage me and told me it’s okay to take a step back. My mom, who constantly pray for her child. apih, who encourage me to start painting. 

This series is for those who are willing to listen to their inner self, who are willing to take a break to know that its okay to not be okay, its okay when everything seems dark and lost and shattered. This series is for all fo you, and above all, this series is for you, a person that I dearly love. Happy 25th birthday Salina. 

How many times have people used a pen or paintbrush because they couldn't pull the trigger? 

Through paint and colour, I listen to my self.

A brush and canvas could shed away all unconscious misery with each stroke I able to reach my unconscious self. Without I realise, there was part in me that I repressed and hide. For me to be accepted in this world, I look at you whom I hide for a long time. 

A battle that was once swallow me up and takes me into a completely dark ground. My fight with dark emotions is explored through the metaphor of a tree, the horizontal line between my conscious and unconscious, and through every colors.
 

It evokes a sense of isolation and unhappiness. The growing shadow inside me. Part of me that I completely bury very deep. The threads that tangled so much they intertwined. My past, presents, and futures. All em want to utter something. So loud that I lose track of time. It's getting tough but it doesn’t end here. 

Lies I told myself that I wasn’t good enough. That I may not reach what I intended to, or do it perfectly, however determinedly keep on fighting. Maybe I can’t fly, but I can still run, as far as I possibly can. At that point I went too hard on myself, I couldn’t even appreciate anything that has been accomplished. 

I knew I were going through something, but I did not know what it was. Abandon each day, same things same time, trying hard to reach out, all my dreams hope. I knew where I wanted to go, but not how I could get there. Suddenly, uninvited grief came without notice. 

In my head, the reality fights with the ideal tirelessly. My biggest enemy is the anger inside of me. The more dreadful is the battle inside of me and on that unfamiliar battleground, I stood alone. All I could do was stay inside of my room and look outside my window. 

“Sometimes chances came, but the young me who painted even my courage in grey couldn’t stand up and after falling, I try again, groaning several times from the illness of my conscience at the predictable sequence that continues like a morning drama.” 

The murk of the starless, moonless.

Hopeless, lost. Like the wind that gently strokes my cheeks, 

like the dust that lightly drifts in the air, you’re there but, for some reason, I can’t reach you. Even if I fall, I get back up, scream, because that’s what we always did, we’re alone but also together. I’m still the same me. I’m here as the same me as before. 

Solitude can be blessing as well a curse, and for most of us, especially those who are yet  to know ourselves inside out, it’s usually the latter

My inner self says a lot, 

but I just keep myself in silence. 

Life no longer shares the same hues. 

I die my first death. 

My voice doesn’t come out, I’m only circling you 

That dark place 

I’m me and she in me is gone. 

Being and feeling alone was too much to face. Though everyone said that she was so strong. What they didn’t know is that she could barely carry on. 

 I couldn’t ignore this one like I always do,                 

  because I’m me and she in me is gone 

Stuck in this current stage of my life. I have now reached a stage where I have completely lost love for what I have been working on for the past few years. I was agitated by my sudden lost of purpose. Although I was still able to remain passionate about my passion, the cause I dedicated a majority of my time to for the past few years had flown out the window. Only I got stuck in this four walls room. 

I was in denial, to admit I was losing the battle that make me feels defeated, until I began to learn to accept my imperfect and love myself for who I was, embracing my own shadows, letting go of what I could not control, and slowly accepting things didn’t always happen according to our plans. 

I became quite unsure of who I was

“All those words are to hide my weak self. Even loving myself I needed someone else’s approval. We just endure through the day, I guess the journey of losing oneself, digging the deepest part of your soul 

I'm floating freely in the void. These days, I feel melancholy for no obvious reason. Knowing that it won't go the way I wanted. Knowing that is not what I want. Is it the world who’s sick or me? The weakness, hatred, loathing, and even rage. Perhaps, they were used as a hostage to pressure me to be passionate 

As if someone pulled the plug, and all the colour and brightness gone, leaving only a flat, mono world alone. It keeps me down, but it also makes me feel as if I was never truly grounded in my own life. It's almost impossible to avoid getting further away while never being able to break free the torment of my own minds at times. 

I'm torn between directions that don't lead anywhere and those that do. I’m masquerading beneath the mask I wear, as someone who’s hopeful and determined about following the right path when I really don’t know where I am. I ran around in circles trying to figure out what I could do. The pain numbed my soul, shame and disbelief silenced my cries. I would look into a mirror and see light slowly ebbing away. I could hear my own voice strangled. 

“just keep on walking...you’ll reach there. 

My own emotions became a cage. I morphed into something else without my own knowledge. My heart bled and with it, my happiness, vitality and vigour. Blindly living my life, trying to hold onto what I believed to be my life. I felt horrible for restraint all of my grief onto this confused self who couldn't take it any longer. Now I realise that the voice inside me...that I have been repressing needs my help just as much as I require this voice's existence... 

Every time I thought that I was alone and struggling by my own, it occurred to me that there must be people who have more problems than I have, and I kept telling myself, this situation was nothing compare to others. 

“I should stop saying I 

couldn’t do it because I always can if I believe. Just believe.” 

My feelings and thoughts were so dark and gloomy, having a hard time and wasn't able to say honestly that I was struggling. 

"But to be honest that's not it. I knew very well I were going through something, but I did not know what it was. My mind became polluted... Sometimes I’m afraid of myself, thanks to self-hatred and depression that came appear”

Things don’t always go as intended. Discomfort is something everyone has too withstand. The repetition of dramatic situations make my life exhausting. Losing the part of me that is tied to my dreams, hopes, ambitions, to lose the passion. That was the darkest feelings I ever felt. The fear that comes with the realisation that maybe I was losing love for something that was supposed to be my guiding star. Worse... I was losing my very own self. 

This four walls too small to hold my dreams. Happiness, sadness, whatever emotion it is, this place just takes it in. Sometimes, even when this room becomes a trash can of emotions, it holds me and it welcomes me. 

Realisation: Losing myself 

“…A slight sense of liberation, a slight sense of regret, a slight sense of  hostility towards this worlds that’s strange to me. Because I’m now an adult, youth and naïveté, they’re both in vain, really...” 

We dream through other people. We learn that we have to become great (as if a light). Your dreams, in fact a burden. Sometimes, I get disappointed in myself. I trample myself. 

“You can be so much better”. “You can be so much cooler” 

Being off is such a painful thing. It’s something you don’t know unless you experience it. My ideal and reality, they are too far apart. 

A teardrop fell on my face. It was hot. So hot that it burned. Just then, something inside my heart exploded. Strange feelings flooded in. No, they didn’t flood in, they flooded out. A dam that had existed somewhere inside my body burst. A sudden surge. Realising how toxic it was. I was, so lost, in every way, that I couldn’t find myself. Feeling sick of the world, my own self and most importantly, that dream. The dreary dream that I held so long that it became a venomous noose tightening around my neck. 

Something inside me broke free, forever. 

The body is full of signs about what’s going on inside us. It’s really amazing. Someone can ask you how you are feeling and you might say,‘I don’t know’ because maybe you don’t know or maybe you don’t want to say, but your body always knows how you are feeling. When you are afraid. When you are happy. When you are excited. When you are nervous. When you are angry. When you are jealous. When you are sad. Your mind might think you do not know, but if you ask your body, it will tell you. It has a mind of its own, in a way. It reacts, it respond. Sometimes it reacts the right way in a situation, sometimes it is the opposite. 

At times without knowing it, we are the ones who built the dark walls that prevent us from finding our way. And when the walls began to crumble, we feared our lives would be crushed, but instead, light shone through the gaps. To lead us out of the abyss of our darkest thoughts. There were times we feels lost at certain moments in our life, When we were confronted with absolute destruction, you discover what your soul is made of. Throughout this moment, where I felt the most darkest I ever felt, I realised that life isn't always simple, it is a series of continuous wandering. Even if you're unsure how to reach your dreams, or even what your ambitions are, you might realise that getting lost is the way to find your way. 

Letting Go of Guilt, and Learning to Forgive Ourselves

With my breath, I walk into my sea. I face myself so beautiful yet crying so sorrowfully.

I face you in the deepest place. The weakness, hatred, loathing and even your rage,. How futile that is too, in the end. 

Beautiful scars 

"In the pitch black night, so it becomes much brighter, I will stay by your side”. 'Cause you were a part of me that will make me strong. Embracing you my own flaws 

Awakening 

Several times, I denied my nature. I went through an identity crisis and denied a part of myself the importance it genuinely deserved, and now I accept all of the selves within me, flaws and all, because they are who I am. I acknowledge that my hardships and failures were a part of my destiny to become the person I has always wanted to be. I hope I could be kinder to myself in times of pain and darkness, and accept this pain as a part of my journey to reach my truest self. A sinking despair, knowing that at the end, only I could bring myself the understanding I crave from the world, but I am unable to find any answers, relief or calm in myself. 

An escape from this despair can only come with acceptance; acceptance of the flow of life, and readying ourselves best for all the good and bad it brings. With acceptance, comes an acknowledgement of how harsh life. Acceptance entails acknowledging how difficult life may be, but it is also a source of hope that it will always pass, as long as we know to expect the worst with the best that life has to offer. 

I focused on opening my heart. I sent love to the girl I once was and to the woman I had become. I opened my heart to the truth that I wasn’t the only one who had experienced loss, and I opened my heart to all those who were struggling just to eat, to have shelter, to take care of their children. And then I visualised the window in my mind, and it was opaque. I could see what was on the other side of the window. Each of us in our lives experiences situations that cause pain. I call them wounds of the hearts. If I ignore them, they won’t heal. But sometimes when our hearts are wounded that’s when they are open. Frequently it is the wounds of the heart that give us the greater opportunity to grow. 

When you have so many thoughts at this stage in your life it can be compared to spreading your branches. This is the time when you want to learn more about yourself. As you expand these branches, although it may confuse and hurt you now, you know that one day you will enter the next stage of life. As you get older, your wide-spread branches are pruned and it becomes a very large tree. I'm sure there are some of us out there who feel that way, right? You would have a lot on your mind all the time. You would think that you are always more worried than anyone else, wondering if you are the weird one. If you think of it as the process of a tree in its youth (growing up), you can look back on it as an experience. Of course it will be difficult. You're going to go through all of the pruning, chopping, cutting, and it's going to hurt. But after these times it sure becomes a great, great tree. 

In a World where we are urged to be kind to one another and to love as fiercely as we can, how many of us are told to love who we truly are? What scared me so much that I kept my true self hidden? We are human, and being human entails having significant flaws. It serves as a reminder that self-love is a difficult thing to achieve. It's not something we pick up on the spot. It is not something that comes naturally to us. It's something we have to learn. We are aware of the situation. It serves as a gentle reminder to be kind to ourselves. After all, it is our own legs that carry us everywhere. 

I've finally realised who I am. Maybe I'm not as significant as I wish I was, but I am who I am, and that is enough. I find the will to move forward with affirmation and acceptance even when life has taken such uncertain and sped-up routes. My peace with the fact that there is more ahead, and the acceptance of my past to brightly greet the future. Happiness comes from overcoming your demons; it presents itself in strength when you realise that difficulty would never go away, but you know how to fight it with good. From grief to self-pity, acceptance, and continued determination. Happiness that is well-rounded is the most genuine .

What is most meaningful to me about this is the importance of forgiving oneself and being generous to oneself or, in other words, the importance of kindness. In a world that often rewards people for burning themselves out both physically and mentally, and for disregarding one another, one of the most radical acts is kindness.

I wish for every one of you to achieve greatness. Our 'branches' stretch out as we grow older, as we become more eager to discover. Things may get ugly along the way, we may stumble and be lost in our own inner struggle. This is when the 'pruning' begins: we start to differentiate between the features we want to maintain, the traits we want to get rid of, and how we want to present ourselves to the world. We will be vulnerable to injury, as with any growth process. But, after all of this hardship, we shall come out stronger, bolder, and better. The world is fast, greedy, and brutal, and it takes a tremendous effort to balance our personal needs with what the world demands. 

Even if you get disturbed and feel afraid, walk forward. Meet your true self that you hid inside the storm. Why did you want to hide your precious self?

I have many faults and I have many fears, but I am going to embrace myself as hard as I can, and I’m starting to love myself, little by little, acknowledging both my limitations and my strengths. This phase allows me to realise my full potential and act on it fully, helping me to confidently move forward in life. Now I constantly reminding myself that I can be a source of light and happiness, and if I don't give up, I can get myself out of a blues. 

(Am I going to give up? No, no never) I won’t give up 

Today, I am who I am with all of my faults and my mistakes. Tomorrow, I might be a tiny bit wiser, and that’ll be me too. These faults and mistakes are what I am, making up the brightest stars in the constellation of my life. I have come to love myself for who I am, for who I was and for who I hope to become. 

The world is another name for despair, I’m my whole happiness and my worries. They repeat every day, the likes and dislikes directed at myself, and the fear that gently approaches me and holds my hand, It’s okay. 

I started perceiving the fear (that came to me and held her hand) as a friend that I has to coexist with. I tries to become friends with anxiety, knowing that accepting and embracing it is the best I can do

Like morning comes after night goes, would summer come after spring goes. Like fruits ripen after flowers wither away, everything must suffer. I embrace the world and take a quick, deep breath. The stinging air that fills my lungs says it all. I who wanted to escape countless times. The long times I suffered through, becoming numb. Right underneath those times. Everyday I pray that I can be a little better grownup. And everyday I stay. Because all humans and all the pains eventually die. Nothing can last forever in the dream. Instead of those vague words to cheer me up, instead of those lies that this is how it is supposed to be, I pray that it shall pass just like all these winds.

It shall pass 

Downcast and heartbroken, I know you were once me 

and I was once you. So today, I pray for you. 

Things outside you are projections of what's inside you, and what's inside you is a projection of what's outside. So when you step into the labyrinth outside you, at the same time you're stepping into the labyrinth inside. 

Inside me, there’s still my clumsy self. 

I answer with all my breath and 

all the path I’ve walked along. 

Without exception, all together, they are all me. 

“We’ll find a way. We always have. If there’s no way, let’s redraw the map. The whole map again,” 

The moment that you've been knocked down, Is the moment that it counts, And the moment that you've lost yourself, Is the moment that you're found, You can see the world much clearer. When your eyes are filled with tears, the only way to not be afraid, is to learn to face your fears, you're not really afraid of the dark, you're afraid of a lack of light, and it's a fear of falling when you say you're scared of heights. The only reason you know you're sad, is because you've been happy before, you may say the world's an ugly place, but you're only seeing the view from your door. 

What did you see when you looked inward? 

I was able to witness a side of Salina that I usually avoid. I'm certain she was there. I am aware of her existence, but she is someone from the past who represents pain and misery. "Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart."
 

And it contradicts my current self, who appears to be tough and brave. That's exactly what I was thinking. Until the other Salina vanished into the murky depths. She, who believed herself to be powerful, ended up in a profoundly dark realm. I'm blind and lost. And when I see her again, I realise it was me who was weak; I wish all my flaws could be hidden; she was there all along till I buried her. And I managed to escape the darkness because she, whom I believed was fragile, was the one who broke the confinement box I was in to allow the lights to shine through. I'm the frail one hiding behind my mask. 

For 24 years, through all of life's hardships, ups and downs, when people lost me, deserted me, when I battled to live when life gave me so much that it was hard to bear. She was always there for me in any circumstance. Confronting me, it’s okay, you have you, you have me, you have us. We're all going to be in this along. 2021 however, is marked by uncertainty, doubt, and terror. 

Worst of all, I'd lost her. We were in one, but we lost our souls, shattered, and became lost within ourselves. I keep my eyes open, but the darkest light I've ever seen blinds me. And then she vanished. I try to walk aimlessly. I'm unable to take even a single step. There was no backward or forward movement. I just can't, no matter how hard I try. 

Sometimes I swam through a river of emotions, sometimes ran through a tepid fall of tears, trudged through unsettling winds, yet... I moved on. I couldn't convince anyone how bad things were going for me, no matter how hard I tried. Me, who seeks consolation from my own self, finds it difficult to consult others about my feelings when I have my inner self to comfort me all the time, till I realised I had entirely lost myself. I'm seeking for a professional to assist me. Because I knew I was at my most vulnerable. I'm lost. I'm lost. I'm absolutely lost. Something deep inside me feels so heavy, as if I'm carrying a burden I didn't realise I was bearing. 

I experienced the pain of my own journey and feel deep empathy followed by gratitude that my journey has taken me to where I am today. Everyone has a story, and I have learned that, at the core of it, most of our stories are more similar than not. Connection can be powerful. Sometimes just a brief meeting can change someone’s life forever. They went inside to see their real self and not the persona they keep on hiding. There, they found the light that has been inside them all along. Love yourself to see and know the answer. 

When one meets adulthood and comes face-to-face with their own inner darkness. Life comes and attacks you when you least expect it. It might be sadness or extreme fear. At that moment, what we can do is accept reality and admit we lost. Face with utter destruction, yet throughout it all, something deep inside you remains calmly rooted in itself & what it believes in.

Dear myself,

You must never lose your temperature

because you don’t need to be warm or cold
Though I might sometimes pretend I’m good and sometimes 

pretend I’m evil,
this is the barometer of my direction that I want to set
The 'me' I aspire to be

The ‘me’ who people expects The ‘me’ who you love 

And the ‘me’ who I craft
The ‘me’ who’s smiling

The ‘me’ who’s crying sometimes

Living and breathing every second, every moment, even now, We are the ones who can decide what makes us happy and that it's okay to be ourselves and show vulnerability sometimes. At the end of the day, we're all human after all.

I believe in your galaxy, SALINA 

Stars shine brightest when the night is darkest. If the stars are hidden, we’ll let moonlight guide us. If even the moon is dark, let our faces be the light that helps us find our way. 

It all started like a white piece of paper, later on, the universe give a reason to dreams and hope. The colourless now have been given a soul. An awakening of self, understanding our roots and what’s shaped us in recent years, the death of an identity, rediscovery of the self’s new place in this world, and finally, healing to settle into our sense of self. I’m still recovering from all the things that swallow me up. It takes times, for me to go to the corner that used to kill me. 

Society is always seeking out the things that are useful. And that’s good, too, but I believe we need time to acquire emotional stability for our own sake, even if it appears to others to be pointless. Sadness does not always have a root cause, and giving voice to these feelings allows us to control them rather than drown in them. Trauma isn’t something that cannot or strictly must be overcome, but rather something that can be overcome. Positive thinking does not come naturally, it requires effort. 

By identifying previously unacknowledged prejudices and speaking honestly and openly about the depression or anxiety we feel inside, can be led in something of a better direction. I believe that with every person who speaks up about their mental health, it opens up a door for another to find the courage to face their own. Happiness and self love is such a journey, and they are there to help guide the way, but it’s on me to speak myself and find my own answers. You’ll find it, the galaxy inside of you. 

I allowed to heal my past self with the me of today. I’ve changed a lot, so this process of making sure I acknowledge it wholeheartedly is still ongoing. Growing involves changing, it’s unavoidable, nevertheless I was able to look back on my younger self and accept who she was without shame or regret, as that little girl is still part of me today. 

These words have always provided me with great consolation, and I no longer feel it necessary to go on a path that pricks me with its thorns because I chose it on my own. The more I learn about myself, the less self-doubt I have. Most of us were taught as youngsters not to give up. It's what our parents say when we don't win in sports or get good marks. It's what the media reports say. Every day, you see it in your favourite cartoons. It's meant to be motivating, but as we get older, the statement ‘don't give up’ no longer works. I don’t know what circumstances you were in, but I believe you shown tremendous courage. It takes a lot of guts to give up something for good. And, you’ve worked hard. I hope you don't forget that deciding to give up is also courageous. 

She walked into the road of uncertainty either light or her hallucination. Her inner self remind her, you gotta walk the “path” yourself. You on your own now. (Even if you get disturbed and feel afraid, walk forward). Meet your true self that you hid inside the storm. You no longer need to hide your precious self.

The thick tree rings in your life, it’s part of you, it's you. Let's forgive ourselves. Our lives are long, trust yourself when in a maze. When winter passes, spring always comes. 

Even if I'm in an endless dream Even if I'm endlessly crumpled Even if my wings are torn
Even if some day I'm not me anymore.

 There are hundreds of me's inside of me. 

I’m facing a new me again today. 

It’s all me anyway Because I am my own universe 

I sat facing me who loves and hates life’s contradictions, while time scattered like the desert sand. I thrust my face in the darkness, trusting that my questions would one day be answered, in a voice both clear and faint. It will find us in some shape or form, just as how we cannot deny the existence of a great wave that’s impossible to contain. And we’ll be overcome by this great emotion, just as we’re overcome when we stand before a magnificent work of art we may not yet understand. 

No darkness, no season is eternal The ice will melt and flow away. And spring will come 

You Are My Spring 

Do you see it
A flower that is growing here inside of me it is yours 

Even if I’m born again, I’ll be by your side 

We are always together
Even if the whole world freezes like winter 

My heart will always be warm 

Because you are with me
Spring has come to my withered hear 

In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible spring. 

Spring day has come The flowers bloomed again 

I answer with all my breath 

All the path ,I’ve walked along. Without exception, all together, they are all me. Loving myself for who I 

used to be, who I am now, and who I’ll become in the future. 

No matter how far you run, distance might not solve anything. Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. 

This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverised bones. 

That's the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine. And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about. 

Things outside you are projections of what's inside you, and what's inside you is a projection of what's outside. So when you step into the labyrinth outside you, at the same time you're stepping into the labyrinth inside.

- Haruki Murakami -

“Let a bright light shine in and melt the coldness in your heart. That's what being tough is all about.”

End to this journey by treasuring the time I takes to heal. Always, the choice and decision is yours to make. I hope you don't forget that giving up decisively also counts as bravery. 

"Happiness isn't something you have to work for.’’ 

While working for a goal, you can still be happy. I felt this was an important message to convey because we are often so focused on the end goal that we overlook how we treat ourselves and others along the way. We often stress over reaching our goal without appreciating the journey. It will, without a doubt, be a difficult process. It wouldn't always be sunshine and rainbows. However, life should not be solely focused on obtaining a certain end goal, we should also value the journey, the people we meet, the lessons we learn, and the tiny victories we achieve along the way. 

"Isn't it true that we've all gone through difficult situations since we were born?" We all face different challenges, but no one wants to give up at the start. We didn't give up our dreams because we didn't want to. We didn't pursue our ambitions since we knew we'd fail. A little Lost, A lot Found

After secretly collecting words that wander around in the void, now I’m free and flying up high